Perception is reality

I read once that people who love public speaking and those who are deathly afraid to stand in front of a crowd biologically feel the same thing. Their interpretation of their feelings control their actions. Turns out the idea of "mind over matter," of "change your perception, change your destiny," of "perception is reality," is a pretty big deal to most...it seems people really do believe its is all about perception...

There is all this stuff going on right? - my adoption, my sexuality, my womanhood (or lack thereof), my identity, my future, my relationships, my spirituality, my rehab thing...etc. I mean thats just me, nevermind all the shit my friends have to deal with - heroin addiction, abuse, parents divorce, coming out, abortion, assimilating into society after war...etc.

Some people can experience the same exact thing and for some reason end up in completely different places. If perception is ultimately responsible for how we act and feel then why does it feel freakin impossible to change.

I'm not sure my friend who is dealing with addiction will ever understand the accident wasnt his
fault. Im not sure my friend will ever realize her abortion doesnt define her. Im not sure my friend will really understand how beautiful she is. Im not sure my friends coming out will know that they have more strength and courage than most. Im not sure I will ever believe people will actually stay in my life.
.
I dont know I think perception might be overrated, BUT i'll tell you one thing - the moment our perception shifts - even in the slightest - our world can change - and thats, well...beautiful.

Pure joy...



K maybe not the fact that it looks like Kent is about to bite me, but when u have coordinating outfits, witches brew, a hoola-hoop, and a night full of giggles....that is quite simply the closest you can come to happiness.

..."i want everything too much"

...and thats probably why i feel real real apathetic right now

Filling in the blank and predicting the past

someone asked me what I see when I think about my future....

ever get that feeling that you may never be old, that your life may look different than everyone elses - shorter maybe?...

I replied - "my future...i feel blank"

There isnt really anything there. Maybe its because I've never been a dreamer, maybe its because I dont have much of an imagination, maybe its because Im terrified to think about change, maybe its because Im 23 and most people my age dont think like that, maybe its a combination of a whole bunch of things Im aware of and unaware of. The thing is how can I dream about my future - scratch that - just think about my future when I dont have a history.

Never underestimate the power of knowing your story, never! I talk alot about the soul and maintaining and building its wholeness. The irony, no matter how hard i work to preserve it, I'll never feel complete, Ill always feel blank. History becomes your homebase - it doesn't define your future, but it gives you a center. People search their whole lives for their history (Roots anyone?) because whether its built in our DNA or ingrained in our soul or just plain curiosity knowing where you came from enables you to move forward.

So she replied, "Go fill in the blank."
I took a deep breath and said, "I can't"

life on the lazy river

I dont really like water parks so its ironic that the only way I can explain my life is using a water ride hypothetical/metaphor (its probably even more ironic that my very first job when i was 14 was at a waterpark, but anyways). In every fabulous water playland is a lazy river...

Lately, i feel like thats me, riding on a big ol' raft down the long lackadaisical river. Life is good - the sun is out, Im tanning, Im with friends, Im surrounded by "happiness," kids are laughing, families are eating ice cream...etc., you get the picture. Compared to last year, life is pretty dandy, not much stress...Im just floating and going with the flow.

BUT thats just it, what decisions am I making, what am I doing, what am I contributing...I dont have control, I dont have a say, I dont do much of anything really. I'm not used to this - most people would say, "enjoy - live it up!." In my mind, there isnt anything worse than staying on that damn raft. I miss - I miss, I dont know what I miss, I just know that as much as I like tanning in the sun my life is blank. Floating down the lazy river is drifting - its white, neutral, bland, boring, apathetic, unexciting....it demands nothing.

Its gonna be hell jumping off the raft into the cold contaminated water. I hate getting wet, I hate making a scene, I hate breaking the rules, I hate interrupting other people, but I hate laziness even more.

wait for it...

inspire, infinite, forever, dream, Arcade Fire, beauty, love, soul, universe, San Francisco, sunshine, waves, friends, energy...etc.

God i miss talking and thinking like an idealistic college-kid waiting for her future to unfold and believing she had a hand in the creation of something bigger. Last year was hell and I was on a quest to find time and strength to breathe, well I'm definitely breathing - oxygen is pumping through my lungs and filtering throughout my body, BUT deep breaths are definitely not what they used to be and definitely do not represent what they used to. Then again, somehow, in someway, for some reason, it doesn't seem to matter. I am present, living life, and cant complain. Sometimes breathing and taking those deep inhalations are just that - breaths to get you through, and those breaths tied together become your life - life full of....whatever I want.

so wait for it...what was that...a sigh...nope it was a deep breath - too bad no one was here to see it

The Other Side of SUNDAY...

Whats on the other side of Sunday? Whats on the other side of truth, perfection, and beauty? If Sunday is like the closest you become to Truth that binds your soul to the universe, than most of the time im living on the other side of Sunday carrying the battle wounds of my past, fighting wars I was never ready to fight.